Jun
24
Today, my sister Stephanie wrote and dedicated a poem to me, in my time of loss.
PURELY FROM WITHIN
A mother’s loss is not without…
…it’s purely from within.
How else can we know the voice of the one
that spoke to us again and again?It whispered in the silent moments
…in the quiet of our souls.
And screamed to be heard above the din
of our inner, unspoken woes.It snuggled up against our hearts
and drowsed to the rythm of it’s song.
It danced to the sound of our joy
making our love grow ever strong.We need no picture or physical touch
to remember the scent of their skin.
The warmth of their sweet breath,
the down of their hair, will always be within.Because the love of a mother can never die
…it’s purely from within.~ Stephanie Young
Jan
6
Marshall has been diaper free for 3 weeks, today! He woke up one morning, signed “potty” to me. I helped him onto his little potty that we keep next to our bed during the night and at nap times. He peed then stood up and signed “potty”, again. I told him, “Yes. You used the potty. Thank you for letting me know that you needed to go.” He began to sign more frantically, so I quickly brought him downstairs and sat him on the toilet with his adapter seat on it. He pooped and proudly signed “potty” while beaming his huge smile. It was clear that something was different about this for him.
We have always been very interested in natural infant hygiene. It just makes so much sense! Marsh has only rarely ever used a diaper during the night. He has peed and pooped on the little potty regularly, but not consistently since he was about three months old. So, it was not unusual for him to start out the day using the potty. But, he kept it up throughout our day at home. He would either head to the bathroom, sit on his little potty (that I usually try to keep near), or signed “potty”.
The following day he helped pick out some stickers at the store and we set up a Potty Time chart. Each time he uses the potty, flushes, and washes his hands he picks out a sticker and we place it on his chart. It seems so simple, but he really gets a lot of joy out of picking out the stickers, adding them to the chart, talking about the pictures on the charts and counting them up at the end of the day.
For the first week we brought his adapter seat with us when we went out in a nice little bag that he can carry himself. That way, even if the bathroom and toilet were strange he had something reassuringly familiar to use. But, he is “an old pro” now and seems unfazed by different surroundings when it comes to using the bathroom.
We understand that he may lose interest but if nothing else this has been a fun three week break from diaper washing! I really cannot see him reverting back to diaper wearing, as he seems to derive such satisfaction from his new skill.
I feel fortunate that Marshall is interested in potty learning at such a young age (now 19-months). I try to allow him the freedom to explore it on his own, without pressure. If he misses his body’s signals and doesn’t make it to the potty on time, we reassure him that this has happened to everyone and that he can use the potty next time if he wants to. We clean it up quickly and without a fuss. The most challenging time for this is when we are playing or working outside in the snow. Navigating the many layers required to keep him it tricky! He does not have more than one “miss” a day because he simply prefers to stay clean and dry. He always had. We never had to wonder about whether or not he needed a change. Adam noticed when he was about three days old that when he was wet he would try to squirm away from his diaper.
Every child is different and will be ready use the potty at different times. If you are trying to help your child with their potty learning, please check out Dr. Sears’ tips.
Jun
19
The babe is walking 5-6 steps at a time, by himself. We are all pretty excited about it. The look of glee on his little face! He has added some nice new “words” to his vocabulary. My favorite is “thank you”. It is the same inflection that I use when telling him thank you, without the actual words being formed.
Adam and I are trying to figure out how to keep Marshall from biting so much…We are covered with bites and bruises. He even bit his beloved Nanny. It definitely seems to be teething related. He now has all his primary and secondary incisors and his top left first molar! There appear to be 3 more first molars on their way. Phew! Can’t wait for him to feel more comfortable.
Jun
16
We celebrated Marshall’s young life with our family in Rockport, MA. Adam, Marshall, and I went to Good Harbor Beach to play in (and in one case, taste) the sand and feel the cold, saltiness of the Atlantic. I always feel fully alive at the beach and it was a magical experience to be there with my little family. The next day, we all gathered together for a lunch.
Marshall seemed delighted to be surrounded by all the generations; great-grandfather Marshall Turner Moulton and his wife Grandma Marjorie, great-great aunt Betty Moulton LeGacy, great-great uncle Leonard Moulton, Bob Brown (grandfather Bernie Backstrom), Nanny (grandmother Leslie Moulton Backstrom), great aunt Mary (Backstrom) Whitten, great uncle Geoffrey Moulton and his wife Lisa and two daughters Carly and Sofie, and of course Adam and I.
We let everyone know ahead of time that they did not need to bring a gift. We just asked that they come and that if they wanted to bring something, they could bring something for Marshall’s keepsake box/time capsule. He received a variety of things; from letters to commemorative Obama coins! Our intention is to have him open everything when he is ten years old.
I made him a little crown with leaves and feathers. He looked like a little wild thing, wearing his crown and a face covered with the honey cream that I covered his little carrot cake with. I made him his own little cake and made a dozen cupcakes for everyone else. I covered his with a “frosting” made only with heavy cream, honey, and cream cheese. I covered the cupcakes with a more sweetened version that also contained confectionery sugar.
We read “On The Day You Were Born”. I love that story’s way of relating the child’s place in the web of life. It always makes me a little emotional. I then shared some of the things that I am thankful to Marshall for and encouraged others to do the same.
We tried to keep the whole affair as low-key as possible; avoiding all the unnecessary commercialized hype. Our desire was to gather together to celebrate our love as a family and to be thankful for the joy that Marshall brings to us each and every day.
Your Children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of lifes longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you, And though they are with you – yet they belong not to you. You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow. Which you cannot visit. Not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, But seek not to make them like you. – Khalil Gibran
May
29
Marshall has been with us, on the outside, for one year! I am so thankful to have him here, with me. I continue to feel a profound mix of awe and gratitude.
Every day he reminds me of the innate goodness of man (and woman) kind. Everyone was once this precious, this perfect, this whole, this worthy, this close to the divine. He shows me what life can be like when approached without scars, prejudices, fears, and pessimism. This tiny being is so full of life! Each day is fresh and wonderful.
When I hold him close to my breast to nourish or comfort him, peace settles in around us, cocooning us both in rich, velvety soft folds. I love to hold him while he sleeps, smelling the sweet, milky, newness of him. Feeling his breath flutter against my face. Hearing him laugh in his dreams.
Marshall’s little voice singing, humming, burbling, shouting, lisping, fills the house during the day. He misses nothing, ready to mimic every sneeze, cough or laugh. Ready to add to every conversation. Ready to dance to all of the everyday music; pot stirring, chopping, sweeping, footsteps.
Apr
29
Marshall is cruising! He walks along, just barely holding on. He seems to enjoy he freedom and practices it constantly.
His mouth is filling up. Seven teeth are fully in (his primary incisors, top secondary incisors, and bottom right secondary incisor) and he is working on cutting the bottom right canine and bottom and top molars on the right side. So, there is a LOT of biting going on, right now.
Marshall is just as curious and animated as ever. Now that the weather is so delightful, we spend a great deal of time outside; hanging laundry on the line, rolling in the grass, blowing bubbles, going for walks. He continues to be friendly and outgoing, especially to older men with beards and college aged girls! He waves at all the appropriate times, without prompting. Yesterday, we were viewing a house with a realtor, and at the end, I was winding the conversation down and M started waving. It was great!
Books are holding a lot of attention, especially Mama Mama, That’s Not My Puppy and I Can Sail Boats.
Mar
7
To our great surprise, M is classically crawling! He does not crawl as fast as he scoots, but he is trying it out. He began day before yesterday, as he was heading over through the connecting hallway to visit his Grammy and Grampy.
What a wonderful mouth of teeth he has now, too. Six are fully in (all four top incisors and the two bottom primary incisors). What a dazzling smile. His bottom right secondary incisor is beginning to poke through. It seems to be more uncomfortable that the others for some reason.
Mar
5
We are committed to cloth diapering the babe, until he is completely ready to use the potty. Since coming home from the hospital, he has worn cotton prefolds with PUL or wool covers (we prefer wool, now). We decided to use cloth diapers for many reasons including our desire to lessen our impact on the planet by reducing our waste contribution.
Dioxin, which in various forms has been shown to cause cancer, birth defects, liver damage, and skin diseases, is a by-product of the paper-bleaching process used in manufacturing disposable diapers, and trace quantities may exist in the diapers themselves.
Disposable diaper manufacturers would like us to believe that their diapers prevent diaper rash, because the “pull the wetness away from the skin”. The reality is that a variety of factors cause diapers rash; reactions to chemicals in the diapers, wipes, detergents, foods, etc…Frequent changes and plenty of air with careful attention to chemical exposure greatly reduce the risk of rashes. Babes diapered in disposables typically are changed less because the diapers feel dry. The outer plastic shell of a disposable diaper prevents the little bum from being able to “breathe”.
Super absorbent disposable diapers contain sodium polyacrylate gel, which absorbs up to 100 times its weight in water. Sodium polyacrylate is the same substance that was removed from tampons in 1985 because of its link to toxic shock syndrome. No studies have been done on the long-term effects of this chemical being in contact with a baby’s reproductive organs 24 hours a day for upwards of two years.
If water usage is a concern, consider that 18 billion disposable diapers are thrown in landfills each year, taking as many as 500 years to decompose. Disposable diapers make up the third largest source of solid waste in landfills. It takes upwards of 82,000 tons of plastic and 1.3 million tons of wood pulp, or a quarter-million trees, to manufacture the disposable diapers that cover the bottoms of 90 percent of the babies born in the US.
Many people question whether or not cloth diapers are sanitary. It is the handling of diapers and the diaper changing process that requires attention, in the area of sanitation. Hand washing and proper storage of dirty diapers (both cloth and disposable) are paramount in maintaining a safe diaper changing process. The disposal of human waste in public landfills is prohibited, so the instructions provided by the disposable diaper manufacturers is to scrape any solid waste into the toilet, before disposing of the diaper. Have you ever seen anyone do that?
Another concern that people are express is that a cloth diaper pail smells. Ours does not. We keep the pails clean, and experience no foul odors. The smell of waste in a disposable diaper is truly nasty.
What about the time that it takes? It takes less time to dump a load of cloth diapers into the washing machine and transfer them to the dryer than it does to shop for disposables, load them into the car, unload them at home, and take garbage out to the transfer station (stinking all the way).
We have tried many different washing methods and combinations of soaps. What currently works for us is to keep two pails. One dry with a reusable dry bag and on wet. All wet diapers go straight into the dry pail. All poopy diapers get the poop sprayed off into the toilet then put into a pail of cold water and either Bi-O-Kleen Bac-Out or borax. This pail is kept right in the bathroom, in the cabinet under the sink. Then, every other day all dirty diapers go into the washer. I rinse them with old water. Then wash with hot water, adding soapnuts and oxygen bleach. One warm rinse it usually enough, but sometimes an additional cold or warm rinse is necessary. Then, I sniff test the diapers, they should smell fresh and clean and kind of spicy. Then they get dried. My preference is to dry on the line, in the sun. But, since the sun is hard to come but in the winter in New England, the dryer is sufficing.
That’s it. We had trouble finding the right soap to work with our hard water. We used everything from Charlie’s Soap (which we loved before moving to this house and well) to Sun and Earth to Arm and Hammer Essentials. The step to soapnuts has been a great move, so far. With the other soaps, I was having to boil the diapers on a regular basis to remove soap build up and the post-pee stinkiness that is causes. For our water conidtions it is best for us to not use white vinegar or baking soda, although they work great for many people. If some disinfection is required, we use grapefruit seed extract.
The babe has that classic baby look about him, with a sweet, padded, white bottom. He loves to help fold his diapers and wipes. He climbs in and out of the laundry basket, “helping”.
There are many more expensive (really cute and tempting) cloth diapering options (All-In-Ones, fitteds, minkies, etc…) but, like so many things, I find the simpler I keep it, the better. So, it remains all cotton diaper service quality prefolds, fastened with a snappi and a cover. We are not buying any more PUL covers, we are going all wool. But that is a subject for another post!
Feb
25
Marshall has been signing to us, regularly, for about 3 weeks. He signs when he wants to nurse (gigi), by using the ASL sign for milk (created by opening and closing the right hand, in a milking motion). He will continue to make the sign, as he is breastfeeding. So sweet. His sign for “more” is similar, but he uses both hands, palms up. You will see this sign most often at mealtimes. Especially meals involving blueberries.
We sign while singing the alphabet, so he does too. I love watching his chubby fingers move, as he bobs along. He cannot yet form the letters, but he has plenty of time.
While at the grocery a couple of weeks ago, the baby is in his sling, furiously singing “gigi, gigi, more, more”, when an older gentleman asked, “Is he signing? My son is teaching his son sign language”. Loved it!
While we have no plans for our child to replace verbal communication with its silent partner, it is a real joy for all of us to have this additional layer or communication. We will continue to show him signs and to learn his signs, as we go along.
Feb
2
Cubby is speaking to us! He has been saying “ahdun” when he is finished eating, getting a change, taking a bath, or just ready to move on to something else. He says “Dadadadada” to Adam and when Adam is around and yesterday started saying “Mum Ma”. Today, the babe is really trying out the effect that “Mum Ma” has on me.
Marshall has made dadada and mamama sounds for a while now, but the words seem discriminate, now. And isn’t that what speech really is? Sounds made at relevant times that resonate with the listener? Wait. If that is the definition, then I know many people who do not speak, they just babble.
Jan
6
The babe’s forth tooth (left top primary incisor) is completely in! And the fifth (top right secondary incisor) is beginning to poke through the gums. He is funny about his new teeth, like the are private or something. He does not like it when you try to look in his mouth. You can see them when he laughs (which he does often) and when is cries, but it is very hard to to capture any photos of these sweet elusive little pearls. I will keep trying, though.
Jan
6
Marshall is becoming increasingly mobile. He gets around very quickly by scooting on his belly (like he’s in boot camp), propelling himself with with his right foot. The left foot is either dragged or sticking up in the air. It is very cute to watch him!
Because of this increased mobility and his ability to sit up so well now, Adam turned the cosleeper into a ball pit, by converting it into it’s play yard form and filling it with 300 brightly colored balls! The baby plays in it a little bit, but is still a little unsure. We took our bed off of it’s risers, losing some storage. But, we wanted it to be closer to the floor so that the risk of injury from falling off would be lessened. Then, we side-carred a twin bed between the wall and our queen-sized family bed. This is a great way to sleep! So much more room now.
Dec
21
Marshall was watching football with his Grampy, this evening. The Jets fumbled and the Seahawks scored, so Grampy (die-hard Pats fan that he is) clapped his little, dimpled hands together. Marshall clapped, too! 1-2-3 little claps in succession. Then, he clapped whenever someone else did. He clapped with Daddy, Grammy, and Mama.
Dec
15
The babe’s amazing! He has cut three teeth at once! Like tiny serrated blades they appeared, today. Thank goodness. Maybe he will be more comfortable now.
Dec
13
Marshall was standing on the couch, holding onto the window sill, looking out at the falling snow, yesterday. I sat next to him with my hand on his back. When I began absentmindedly humming Sarasponda, he started to dance! Bobbing his soft, fuzzy little head up and down. It was not coincidental, because it was reproducible. If you play music, sing, hum, or drum a rhythm, he will dance. No one else has to be moving.
I love Marsh’s growing abilities. He is so much fun, even on his crabbier teething days. He has three teeth coming in; the bottom central incisors and the top right central incisor. The poor babe is most uncomfortable at night, when there are less distractions. He loves to bite; elbows, chins, cheeks, fabric. He is not really into any of his designated teething toys. Teething tabs provide him with some comfort so that he can rest.
While breastfeeding, he has clamped down very hard a few times (growling), startling me. Twice I hooted loudly, “Ouch!” This brought him to tears, but after calming him down and letting him re-latch he did it again. So, I are trying to pay close attention and catch him before he bites.
Sep
22
This morning, the babe pulled his right foot into his mouth. He was delighted! Once I got the camera, he stopped and was just interested in interacting with me, instead of showing off his new skill. He tried it again after his diaper was on, but cannot quite reach. All the more reason for him to go diaperless, when possible. I am going to learn more about natural infant hygiene/ elimination communication.
Sep
2
Our birth experience was truly beautiful. Adam and I have considered ourselves parents from the moment that we found out about Marshall’s conception. Here is our story. I had been experiencing prodromal labor for weeks. But, on Sunday, May 18th, I felt different. I felt ready. I sensed that the baby within me was ready.
Strong contractions began in the afternoon and I wanted to keep them going. So, I prepared for labor by applying oil of evening primrose to my cervix, having wonderful loving, deeply meditating, performing steady labor inducing acupressure on my hands and feet, rocking on my trusty exercise ball, cooking and eating some lovely high-protein salmon, spinach and quinoa, drinking copious amounts of water with Emergen-C , eating lots of juicy pineapple that My Love prepared, cleaning, dancing, taking Rescue Remedy and trying to rest. Adam and I watched The Kite Runner and had a good cry (Well, I cried. Adam’s eyes looked suspiciously moist. Perhaps it was just our allergies…).
I had no concept of time, during our birth experience. It was only afterward, during discussions, that Adam filled in the times and details. As is true in the other aspects of our life together, he was always there. Holding me, reminding me of lovely places that we have been to together, inspiring me, and keeping me hydrated. He was my birth guardian and his gorgeous eyes my focal point.
At around 10:00 pm, my contractions were very strong and regular, coming in 3-5 minute intervals. Adam packed up the car and we headed out for our 45 minute drive to the birthing center at Dartmouth Hitchcock. When we first got there I was examined by a nurse and then the on-call midwife (not the one I really wanted). My contractions had slowed to between 5-10 intervals, so the midwife told us that we should go home to rest. I was deep into Laborland territory, so I had to rely on Adam to be reasonable. He told the midwife that we would like to stay, due to our 45 minute drive home. So, I was given a warm blanket and told to try to rest, as much as possible. I could not rest. I felt the strongest urge to move, but I tried to conserve energy.
The intensity of the contractions made me feel sick to my stomach, so Adam helped me to the toilet. To our surprise, my water broke! I took a shower and Adam helped by cleaning up and walking back to bed with me. When the nurse came in to check on us, we told her that the bag of waters had burst. She seemed unsure, so she went and looked into the toilet and saw little flakes of the baby’s vernix suspended in the water. That confirmed in their minds that this was real labor!
We were transferred to a birthing suite, right next to one of the deep labor tubs. Adam suggested that we get into the tub. We spent the next two hours in that wonderful water. The lighting was soft, the walls were painted with wispy, Maxfield Parrish-like clouds. We were left alone to labor in privacy with only occasional visits from the nurse to check the baby’s heart rate. We listened to some soothing ambient/trance and Adam held me as we rocked in the tub. When I got too hot to stay in any longer, we got out.
During the two hours in the tub (I thought that we had been in for 20 minutes), my cervix had gone from 3 to 9 cm dilation and was now 100% effaced. I labored on the toilet, the rocking chair, the shower, the exercise ball, walking, swaying, squatting. I hummed and vocalized the whole time, finding that deep thrumming, hmmms, and ohms, were the most productive.
When I was ready to push, I tried the squat bar and then being on all fours. I was not comfortable with either of those options as I felt unstable on the bed. I was beginning to feels worn down. When the midwife left the room, the well-meaning nurse directed me to a supine position, with my feet supported by her and Adam and me pulling back on my knees. Classic movie labor position. I shut down completely, thinking “This is the opposite of what I feel like doing”. I knew that the birth outlet was now 30% smaller than when I was squatting. She asked if I was afraid of something and I began to cry. Adam said, “This is not how we envisioned it. She does not want to push while laying down.”
I had been attracted to the simplicity of the birthing stool and asked if I could use it. That was so much better. I felt secure and grounded. Ready to push, with gravity as my aid.
After pushing quietly for some time, the midwife told me that while this had been a lovely, tranquil experience so far, but that this was a big baby and I was really going to need to dig deep and PUSH with each urge. Adam held me under the arms, whispering in my ear and giving me encouragement.
Our midwife guided my hand to feel our baby’s silky little head, crowning. I found stores of energy and was anxious to hold my child in my arms. The midwife encouraged me to get louder, to grunt and growl. She placed her fingers on my perineum and told me to focus my pushing into her hands. I felt our baby really begin to descend. And with one long grunt and push, I felt the baby leave my body.
I reached for the slippery, blinking baby and pulled the baby up on to my chest. The midwife said, “See what your body can do! You have a perfect vagina.” I love that woman!
I looked down into the very face of pureness. The baby’s silky, dark hair swirled around a somewhat conical (I thanked the babe for adapting so much) head. Little cowlicks swept the hair. Tiny hands wrapped around my fingers as I pulled the baby to my breast, and said to this new, yet familiar face, “Hello, mini Adam.” The hairline and little face was so very much like my dearest husband’s. The nurse asked us if we had looked “to see what it” was. A perfect little penis indicated that we had a little son.
We welcomed Marshall Leif into the “outside” world. When his cord stopped pulsing and all the blood returned to his little body, Adam cut the umbilical cord that connected us. He brought the baby to a warm, lit area of the room to check him all out and recut the umbilical cord, it was very long.
While cuddling our little son, I delivered the placenta, our shared organ. It did not want to leave my body, but after pitocin, and coaxing from the midwife, it was expelled. She spread it out on a little table beside the bed and showed all the parts to us. What a fascinating thing!
Marshall was alert and interested in the world around him, right from the start. Lifting his head off of my chest and turning his tiny head toward Adam’s voice.
I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to birth in such a natural, holistic way. Childbirth is a profound rite of passage, not a medical event (even when medical care is part of the experience). I hope that sharing our story will encourage other women and their loving partners to explore all the possibilities, to take charge of their healthcare, to question the “norms”, and ultimately, to birth in their own way.
Jun
30
Yes, I am finally breaking my silence and able to fess up to the fact that I am, indeed, in love with someone other than my husband.
Marshall Leif was born at 11:03 am, on Monday, May 19th! Weighing 8 pounds, 7.5 ounces, he has filled, and overflowed, my heart.
The natural birth experience was truly amazing. I will never look at Adam the same way, again. The way that he stayed right beside me, soothing any fears, holding me close, and keeping me hydrated… I will never forget his tenderness, during the most incredible hours of my life.
I now spend my days holding, nursing, changing, wearing, playing with, and adoring my son. I don’t really have the time (or the desire) to do anything else. I will post soon regarding: natural childbirth, circumcision (or the mutilation of male babies’ genitals), breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and my sojourn in stay at home mothering.
