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Numb

I’ve lost, again.

Thank you, my ephemeral firefly, for growing within me. Thank you for allowing me to have hope live within me again. Thank you for sparking my imagination.

I saw you in my mind and with my heart, laughing and playing with your big brother, your little rolls soft in the sunlight. I could almost smell your soft skin. I will see you in my dreams, again.

It is times like these that I envy the faithful. Those that can say that it is all planned, that a spirit lives on somewhere.

This evening, I miscarried at 6 weeks 1 day.

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Updating

I have not written a Marshall update in way too long.

Physically, he has changed so much this summer. He is tall. Really tall. The cub had grown two full inches since April! He outgrew all of his clothes and shoes, now wearing sizes 3/4 and 8 respectively.

His head is covered with beautiful golden hair. It is honey brown underneath and almost white on top. We have successfully cut it once in February at the barber’s. But, he wants NOTHING to do with it, now. He wants a ponytail.

I am always impressed with his physical abilities; taking off and putting on open shoes (wellington boots and crocs), taking off pants, setting up the stool and potty seat combination to use the toilet and wash his hands, climbing, balancing, and using his upper body strength to pull himself up ladders and rings.

Each day Marsh surprises us with a new word or combination of words. He used his words carefully “I sorry, Neko.” or “Marshall disappointed” and sometimes with force to relieve frustration; “Cinders and ashes!”. He says some of the funniest things that my ears have ever heard:

A couple of weeks ago, I said to Ein (one of our two cats) “What were you doing outside all night?” Marsh says, “Singing.” “Singing? Singing what?” “Twinkle, twinkle little meat.”

“Marshall hear snake.” “You hear a snake? What is it doing?” “Eating loon.” “A snake is eating a loon? Where?” “In the woods. Over there.” “Why?” “To cool down.”

I love being by his side as he takes in the world around him. His curiosity and joy are contagious.

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Seething

I am going to make a confession here:

I am angry.

I feel wronged.

I am not suppressing it today, damn it. While I am not at the mercy of my anger, I am not going to pretend that it doesn’t exist. As much as I long for that zen-like aura, I can feel anger run through my entire being and course in my veins. It pounds in my ears.

I have to work very hard to not let this anger envelope me. To not be defined by it. To express it in healthy, constructive ways.

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Breastfeeding to Sleep

No time to create a real post. But, I needed to link to this articulate and thoughtful article in Mothering.

“You’re not managing an inconvenience, you’re raising a human being.”

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Busy

Phew! We have been busy since I last posted. There is a lot to catch up on.

We bought and moved into our new house! We are settled in now, with all everyday things unpacked. Some seasonal and storage items need to be unpacked and some books need shelves.

We did not repaint anything, yet. We decided to wait and get to know the space, see how the light enters the rooms before repainting. Nothing is objectionable, the living room is a peachy neutral, the kitchen/dining area is yellow, Adam’s office is a great sage green, and the bathroom is a light blue. Everything else in the main area of the house is just primed. The basement is sheetrocked and mudded, but not primed or painted.

Marshall is running! He loves his new, big yard. We spend as much time outside as possible. He plays with his trucks and wagon in the dirt driveway and gets up and down the grassy hills so quickly now.

I set up his bookshelf, toys, changing area, and musical instruments in the smallest, sunniest of the four bedrooms. We call it the “son room”.

The second, larger (former master bedroom) downstairs bedroom is Adam’s office. I am so glad that he has a place to spread out all his geekery and close the door when he has dangerous, small parts in use.

The two upstairs bedrooms are working out well for us. M took the initiative to begin sleeping in his own bed. I think that he likes having more room to spread out. He usually heads over to snuggle with us shortly before Adam’s alarm goes off. I am slowly getting used to it. It was very difficult at first. I kept waking up and walking over to check on him. He is very proud of his room. He grabs guests hands and pulls them up the stairs to show them his bed.

Marshall has a mouth full of white teeth. 14 in total; his top and bottom primary incisors, top and bottom lateral incisors, top canine, and top and bottom first molars. He still uses them on us. A lot.

Well, that is a start at updating. Still a lot to say. But, the babe is up from his nap and raring to go.

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Thinner

I made a goal to get more fit. Since January 6, I have lost 21 pounds. Nothing drastic or unhealthy. I actually joined Weight Watchers online.

Keeping a food tracker has been a great help and learning the “points” of foods. I was never interested in a diet or a program like Weight Watchers before, because the thought of weigh-in meetings, cheesy branded gear (sport bottles and jump ropes), and artificial sweeteners galore just didn’t appeal to me on any level.

I was in for a surprise. I do not attend meetings, I have bought nothing, and  don’t eat frightening artificial ingredients. I found that the Momentum program is well-suited to me, as a nursing mother. So for, so good. I am half way to my big weight goal.

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Mothering Uncategorized

In Love With Another (little) Man

Yes, I am finally breaking my silence and able to fess up to the fact that I am, indeed, in love with someone other than my husband.

Marshall Leif was born at 11:03 am, on Monday, May 19th! Weighing 8 pounds, 7.5 ounces, he has filled, and overflowed, my heart.

The natural birth experience was truly amazing. I will never look at Adam the same way, again. The way that he stayed right beside me, soothing any fears, holding me close, and keeping me hydrated… I will never forget his tenderness, during the most incredible hours of my life.

I now spend my days holding, nursing, changing, wearing, playing with, and adoring my son.  I don’t really have the time (or the desire) to do anything else.  I will post soon regarding: natural childbirth, circumcision (or the mutilation of male babies’ genitals), breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and my sojourn in stay at home mothering.

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Married

We joined our lives legally, yesterday evening at 6:00. A very private and intimate ceremony, in the woods, at the Tree Shrine. It was lovely.

The justice of the peace was eloquent and honest, “Marriage is the legal union of husband and wife in heart, body, and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy and for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity. But more importantly, it is a means through which a secure and loving environment may be attained…It is important to understand and remember that this relationship stands for love, loyalty, honesty, and trust, but most of all for friendship.”

He asked us to promise to respect one another as unique individuals and to realize that each other’s interests, desires, and needs are no less important than our own. We promised to share with each other our time and attention and to bring joy, strength and imagination to our relationship. We promised to keep ourselves open to each other and to let each other see through the windows of each other’s worlds, into each other’s innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams, to grow with each other and to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.

It was beautiful!