Keeping my hands busy these last two days has seemed so critical. Perhaps if I am up to my elbows in suds cleaning something or if my fingers are covered in flour from making a pie crust, they won’t remember what else they held so recently.
I talked with our midwife, today. She wanted to check in and see how I was feeling. And, I said honestly that I did not know. She recommended taking a couple of months “off” to heal and think.
I’ve lost, again.
Thank you, my ephemeral firefly, for growing within me. Thank you for allowing me to have hope live within me again. Thank you for sparking my imagination.
I saw you in my mind and with my heart, laughing and playing with your big brother, your little rolls soft in the sunlight. I could almost smell your soft skin. I will see you in my dreams, again.
It is times like these that I envy the faithful. Those that can say that it is all planned, that a spirit lives on somewhere.
This evening, I miscarried at 6 weeks 1 day.
Damn it. I am bleeding. I am trying very hard to remain optimistic and calm. But, the reality is that I am scared.
I had some minor spotting on Saturday then red blood on Sunday. No bleeding on Monday or Tuesday. I am bleeding again today.
I had an ultrasound on Monday. We saw a gestational sac in my uterus that measured at 4/5 weeks (right on track). There were no abnormalities observed. So, an ectopic prenancy was ruled out. One cool thing was that the tech showed us that my left ovary was responsible to releasing the egg that was fertilized.
I had blood drawn for beta HCG quant testing. On Monday the level was 3682 mIU/mL and today it was 7,066 mIU/mL. Those numbers are right in the healthy range and the rate of increase was ideal.
So, I have to take it easy. No heavy lifting or acrobatics. That is not a simple task when you are the caretaker and playmate of a wild and curious Marshall-boy. I will retest blood on Friday and have another ultrasound on Monday.
“There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.” Baruch Spinoza
A little seed of joy is growing within me. I am envisioning this little life in a very unscientific way. Instead of an embryo embedded in my uterus, I see a sparkle. A glimmering orb. Like the fireflies of my childhood dreams. The glow pulsates; a tiny heartbeat.
I send prayers and wishes that this little life grows stronger and stronger within me. That I will be able to hold within me this sweet one. That we will not have to seperate until we can look eye to eye and breath the same air.
Our loss earlier this summer taught me many, many things. One thing that I learned was that joy is never too “new” or “young” to share. It was and is a strage experience to mourn the loss of a little person that virtually noone else even knew existed. I decided that if I ever had the honor of holding life within me again, I would not hoard the treasure.
So, here it is:
I am pregnant! I am 4 weeks pregnant. I am ecstatic.
I have not written a Marshall update in way too long.
Physically, he has changed so much this summer. He is tall. Really tall. The cub had grown two full inches since April! He outgrew all of his clothes and shoes, now wearing sizes 3/4 and 8 respectively.
His head is covered with beautiful golden hair. It is honey brown underneath and almost white on top. We have successfully cut it once in February at the barber’s. But, he wants NOTHING to do with it, now. He wants a ponytail.
I am always impressed with his physical abilities; taking off and putting on open shoes (wellington boots and crocs), taking off pants, setting up the stool and potty seat combination to use the toilet and wash his hands, climbing, balancing, and using his upper body strength to pull himself up ladders and rings.
Each day Marsh surprises us with a new word or combination of words. He used his words carefully “I sorry, Neko.” or “Marshall disappointed” and sometimes with force to relieve frustration; “Cinders and ashes!”. He says some of the funniest things that my ears have ever heard:
A couple of weeks ago, I said to Ein (one of our two cats) “What were you doing outside all night?” Marsh says, “Singing.” “Singing? Singing what?” “Twinkle, twinkle little meat.”
“Marshall hear snake.” “You hear a snake? What is it doing?” “Eating loon.” “A snake is eating a loon? Where?” “In the woods. Over there.” “Why?” “To cool down.”
I love being by his side as he takes in the world around him. His curiosity and joy are contagious.
I am going to make a confession here:
I am angry.
I feel wronged.
I am not suppressing it today, damn it. While I am not at the mercy of my anger, I am not going to pretend that it doesn’t exist. As much as I long for that zen-like aura, I can feel anger run through my entire being and course in my veins. It pounds in my ears.
I have to work very hard to not let this anger envelope me. To not be defined by it. To express it in healthy, constructive ways.